***


2015

I felt nothing and nothing felt me 

Chapter 1 

My very tight uniform has become a symbol; a symbol of lost dreams and sexual confusion.

I remember that men used to fall for me. My commander admired me. At that time I was sure that men’s admiration will give great meaning to my life. Therefore I was doing my very best to get to know them. I did not want to necessary be touched by them, though most of the time I had to sacrifice my own body for the sake of admiration. Determined and focused I wanted to have a boyfriend.

Either way I was depressed. In those days I used to cross the road with closed eyes, trying out different sorts of danger; I stopped eating; I was walking in dangerous roads at nighttime. 

I happened to find myself with Inbal. Inbal was strange, she always wanted to go home. She was a mixture of a man and a woman. She had a constant smell of urine. I constantly asked myself why I unconsciously chose to be in the same room with Inbal.

The daily routines at the office had been quite repetitive. Our polyester uniform got very warm during the summer days and we all had been waiting for time to pass.
Eventually, I lost my sanity. An evil power went into me. I simply could not help it anymore. I demolished the office. All sorts of vandalistic actions came across. I broke, ripped and threw objects.

I was as miserable as one can be. And the strong smell of men’s sweat, Inbal’s urine, and the dark power had been mixed strongly together.

Confusions and the soul’s delusions have been replaced by quiet indifference. I did not feel anything and nothing felt me.

Chapter 2

A lot of things happened between 15.11.2000 to 15.07.2002 - that one year and nine months. Especially bad things. There were also people who died. Some of them we really loved, some others we just heard about.

But we managed to overcome quite a lot of difficulties, mainly because of our tough education. At that time we were rather focused and developed strong emotional regulations and mechanisms.

We knew quite well what was necessary in order to not shake and risk our personalities more than needed. We were all quite fit with physical and emotiovnal detachment, irony and sarcasm, indifference and apathy, dark humor, avoiding of personalities and a lot of suppression. Some drugs, the elimination of incidents, short eruptions of misbehaved sexuality, a rather hidden aggression, routine, and most of all, short memory.

We were all busy with one thing, and that was the strong wish for time to pass as fast as time can pass so that we could finally start planning the after-army trip to Goa, hoping for intense joy in nature parties. On weekends we were mostly active, collecting captivating experiences and unforgettable moments. So we utilized whatever was there to reach, take and move so that we could finally feel as dominant, original and enthusiastic as an individual can be. I also searched for unforgettable moments, so I was trying very hard and did my very best.

On weekends I mostly spent my time together with Maayan on the beach.  Maayan had a great sense of humor and she also had an old Subaru car. Together we spent weekends driving around. We liked to get to the beach where we could meet young and old boys. Somehow it always worked out for us. Maayan was talking a lot and I was mostly listening. She also moved very slowly. Her zodiac sign is Aries.  My loneliness at that time was so deep that I could accept any sort of companionship. I said to myself that anyways it was just temporary.

One weekend, like all others, we were driving to the beach and met some guys. In the evening we met them again and then something bad happened.

Funny how some moments can be forgettable.



Chapter 3

I was hoping that the bus would get into a road accident and crash. But it wasn’t so. We all arrived safely to Camp Eighty whether we wanted to or not. 

The first time I got into the uniform, I knew it: that smell will stick to my skin for quite some time. The thin line between the moment before and the current moment suddenly seemed so evil.  

From this moment on, everything that was behind the fence looked promising and happy.  

I was tired; very tired. I was deeply disgusted from the utensils and food in the dining room, the bed sheets, toilets, showers, chairs, table and some people. Everything around me seemed dirty. I could not touch anything or eat for days. I could not use the toilet so I had to suppress my needs.

I became miserable and suffered and could not stop crying. I was expressing my emotions as much as I could, hoping to get some help and recognition. The only pleasure I had was looking at the stars above. My tears have been a great help. Throughout my service I could cry whenever I wished to, and crying made other people stand on my side.

There were mostly women in Camp Eighty. Some of them were as miserable as I was, so we suffered together. Some were even open-minded. But I knew it. This institution was a men’s conspiracy. Some men like to see women, whether wearing a uniform or not, crying out loud.

Chapter 4

Desperately I was still searching for a boyfriend. Finally, I met Almog. We met unexpectedly through mutual friends. Almog loved Arabs, he wanted them to be happy. He was a mutual friend of many boys who loved me.

One day we were talking and he invited me to his apartment in Tel-Aviv. We saw a film together: “The Unbearable Lightness of Being.” Since then Almog was always there with me and for me. He was sensitive and moving, kind of feminine and masculine at the same time, a unique combination of green eyes and black hair. He was reflective, a feminist and a real activist. 

I also loved Arabs. Nevertheless, I really liked the fact that Almog loved Arabs and hated the occupation. He wanted me to stay and hated to see me leave. Almog talked a lot. He liked to analyze things, especially me. He was sort of a spiritual guide and gave me lots of advice. 

He was very sad every time I left and couldn’t be happy when I came back. He wanted more and a lot; nothing was enough.  Every time I climbed into my green uniform, zippers on the front, he watched me dress in his room. 

It was so depressing, so cruel.

Almog was very busy with understanding himself. He always breathed all the air in the room and did not leave anything for others.

Almog wanted to touch me and liked to be touched all the time. He also kind of liked boys and wanted to make love just like two men.

But I am a girl.



Chapter 5

Eventually it was all over.  

I returned my uniform.

Erased all unnecessary memories and thoughts. 

Left some unresolved relations.  

Closed the door behind me and never opened it again. 

Reut Shemesh © 2015 

This text served as the inspiration for the work LEVIAH which premiered on Nov. 27, 2015, in Köln, Germany.

2014 

"Hi wats up ,
Its me, lisa in case u haven't guest,
I am making u another one of this tapes. which u already know.... its friday the 23rd and I am so bored, actually I am in kind of in a weird mood. 
though james is sweet, but he is so dumb and boring and right now I can not take this so much of sweet any more, he use to be so cool and strong, but after that wired night im not so interested, u know..... I should have meet u a long time ago Juli, everything is so funny and wild with you ,hhhh, and we really like the same things.  

Hi, do you remember the brother of Megy , the fat guy who want to be like john. any way he came to our place yesterday, he mentioned this old mystery woman I tolled you about, I just know I am gonn'a get stuck agin in those woods tonight, I just know it. I can not help it, I simply can not help it. of course I don't want to, but its so strong and...i  really can not talk with you about it but she toled everything, she told me... 


its kind of weird but sometimes I just want to be YOU! 


2013


Now, they all want me .I am a strong woman doesn't love to love, charismatic, individual, creative and controlled , I manage all by myself. I am funny and I want to get married. I use to be a charming silly girl but now I am a crazy, crazy animalistic heavy . I am easy, I do not fear loneliness and I am over it. I am smart and strong, tight and sporty and I know how to feed my needs.  Now, you all touch me. Now, you all look at me, I'm famous, I have a very very poetic personality, I am absolutely into it, I enter and I do not care. Tonight I'll go out, I have a new strategy, and lots of eyes are going to look at me. Ooo I'm crazy. Now all of you touch me. Once I was poor and miserable but today I'm tough, I know you all want a strong crazy woman. Rrrr  Ill eat you ….


 2011

At every party holding every hip you ever wanted. Biting every bone, pushing yourself into every space, into every thought. You were with them all, wearing tights and military uniform. Hit, hit me, you're crazy pervert lover. Fuel me with the energy of the lion and the fox and the rabbit. You're real, you are real. touch me really close. You better do, eventually I will breast feed you.

Throw on me good words and flowers and chocolates and sugar  and gold and silver and confetti and iron and beton. Take me to the zone of hysteria, I know only you can. Like a mother and baby, hug me tight. I will be your mother fucker baby.   Everything about us is so strange and true and fun and good and bad and of nature. I was laughing so hard when you asked to rape me, it is so funny with you...  Ride your motorcycle on me, I will tickle you to tears. 

 2010

All of this emptiness is telling you, all of you is reflecting on the spaces in me. Maybe you it's what make me feel me lately.                                                                                  

The space that has given to you by me it’s the most precious one.

The breathing reflects on my space from inside. The empty spaces in side of me remained nameless. Deep holes of unknown which only fear can reach them.  I am doing my best to involve this emptiness as part of my personality, and mainly I remain hysterical. Fooling up, involving the soul.  Maximize the human in me. The wish to die is waken up.  Would you miss me then

2010

You and your horse run over me. Obviously it hurts when a horse and a man fall on one woman, but I didn’t show it. I hid well. I wore a sheep mask and run into the woods where I rested until I recovered. Now I'm standing between the horse and the forest and waiting.

  2010

I am the animal. I am everything and I am just remain in the thought of others. I am love, I am the biggest self love I ever knew and I hate all the rest of you. I am a complete universe that cannot host any one. I am you and only you. I am a loser and I am losing against you every morning from now and. I need I am a needy one. I am the sorrow and I am drunk

2009

come to me in your greatest poverty. come out from your dark rooms and visit me, with your lack you'll touch me, in your thinnest pain embrace me.
please don't do anything, let the happening lead us together.
stand up in the middle of the room, you will probably fall apart quietly.
i hope that i will not hate you in that moment. the moment you will stand your sorrow within me 

2007

I am empty, drained and not from complexity but from deficit. My loneliness is a sword tonight, when only half a year ago it was a feather pillow. In my living room there is only furniture I don't want to sit on. My facial features seem engraved like they were scars from my past. I do not have a home and no one asks me why am I empty? I am ashamed to tell that in daytime I am normal and at night I am a ball of sadness rolling in the streets of Tel Aviv. I am full of self pity. I want to be folded, put into a drawer and to be another object in this house. I want someone to want me. 

  Adrenalin waiting to be discharged is holding my tensed muscles. Uncertainty, helplessness and time rolls without control. Being alone is being strong. I open my mouth to take anther bite from the air.